


Didn't mean to rub you the wrong way

by iwantcandy2



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Gen, Horn Stimulation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 17:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwantcandy2/pseuds/iwantcandy2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Karkat have an intensely philosophical and cordial discussion on the nature of troll horns.</p><p>Just kidding; they bicker childishly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Didn't mean to rub you the wrong way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Victoria's Serket (tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Victoria%27s+Serket+%28tumblr%29).



> This is a birthday gift for my little sister. Every time she sees me reading anything, she comes up and asks if it's Johnkat. So here you go, Shelly. I got you FUCKING JOHNKAT for your FUCKING BIRTHDAY and you BETTER FUCKING APPRECIATE IT.
> 
> EDIT: Dear Lord, why does this get so many views? This is a piece of shit that I wrote in like five minutes, but because it is labeled Johnkat and sounds like the setup to a cheap porno, it brings all the fangirls to the yard. I wrote this as a JOKE. Please check out my other stories that I actually put effort into.

“So is it hard to wear hats?”

“I don’t know, is it hard to get out of bed in the morning with an obviously defective thinkpan? Why the fuck would I have trouble putting a hat on my head?”

“Well, you know. The horns.”

“Are you serious? That’s like asking how you can wear a shirt when you have arms, fuckwit!”

Karkat’s face briefly became acquainted with the inner creases of his palm as he let out a long-suffering sigh. He had foolishly thought that there would be some sort of upper limit to human stupidity, but obviously not.

“Well, yeah, okay, that makes sense,” John agreed. “But, like, isn’t it uncomfortable?”

“Have you never worn a fucking hat before? Do you have some sort of hat-wearing impairment?”

“No, I’ve worn hats. I was just wondering if it was different for trolls. You know,” he said, his voice taking on a conspiratorial edge without actually lowering in volume any because he was John fucking Egbert, “because your horns are sensitive.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” replies John, his pasty skin taking on the tone of fetid, undercooked meat. “Like, wouldn’t a hat rub them the wrong way?”

“Who the fuck told you our horns were like that?”

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he apologizes, waving his hands rapidly as if to dispel the stench of his stupidity.

“I’m not embarrassed, just confused on how you could have misunderstood a basic biological concept so thoroughly. They don’t have nerve endings, you fucking imbecilic genetic throwback.”

“Yeah, but aren’t they like antennae or something?” John asked, his face having all the oblivious wonder of a wiggler asking if the moon was made of a curdled dairy by-product. “For your crazy alien psychic powers.”

“No, they are fucking horns. You know, the kind made of bone, that prehistoric trolls used to gouge marks into trees and rock in order to claim territory.”

“Oh. Ha ha, I guess that makes sense.”

John smiles, showing a mouthful of oversized, useless teeth.

“Did you honestly think they were some sort of fucking…what did you call them? Antennae?” 

“Well yeah. Me and the other humans were talking and we thought that maybe…well, you know, th-that they could, er,” he stutters sheepishly, like the half-panned moron he is.

“Thought what? Don’t tell me the four of you managed to put together some sort of cognizant realization? Even with four of your human brains, that’s a bit of a stretch. It’s about as likely as the refuse at the bottom of my load gaper suddenly composing poetry. Careful, John, your sudden ability to have a single idea, no matter how inherently shit-fucked it is, is likely to make paradox space collapse from sheer surprise. If I were you, I would-”

“Dave said he thought they were a sex thing!” John blurts out. He then claps his hand over his mouth, like he thinks he can shove the admission back down his throat. 

“Oh gog. Don’t tell me you honestly thought that.”

John nods.

“That is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. They are fucking bone attached to my fucking head, and you think that they somehow have a direct line to my genitals? And you and those cerebrally barren asshats you call friends actually sat around and talked about this? You had a conversation, with words, about my possible erogenous zones? What in the name of all creation is wrong with you?”

For a second, John just stands there, his mouth ajar, jaw twitching slightly as if he is trying to form words.

Finally, he was able to stammer, “I-it made a lot more sense the w-way Rose described it.”

“John, do paradox space a favor. Next time you want a lesson in troll sex ed, ask for a demonstration. I would be more than happy to educate you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you know, I personally don't think there is any basis for OR against troll horns being sensitive. Since they are an alien species, there is absolutely no way to know how their biology works, so this isn't intended to be a take that at the horn sensitivity thing. It was mostly just written as a take that to my little sister and her apparent Johnkat fixation.


End file.
